A Mother's personal story about the loss of a child


Chapter 5



                The first time it happened, I was really bewildered. It was almost as if I had a slight electrical shock on my foot in the middle of the night while I was sleeping.  It woke me up.  I can't say it was painful, but I knew it happened.  It was almost as if somebody said, "wake up".

                 It was that same feeling I had when someone was watching me.  It was that kind of presence I felt.  I heard a voice that seemed to come from inside my head as one of my own thoughts and not something distinctly outside of myself.  I was hearing with my mind and not with my ears.  This voice, presence, or whatever it was, asked me if I would be willing to take dictation, information, which was important to humanity.


                When I read this as I write these words, I can't help thinking to myself that this event by itself is one of the craziest things that could be imaginable.  However, at the time, it didn't seemed weird.  I can't say it didn't frighten me, but on some level there was a distinct feeling that I knew about this.  What I mean by this is, the part of me that was my personality, was scared to death. But some higher part of me that was outside of what I might call my personality, accepted this event, and somehow thought this action was normal.  Not only was this event on some level considered normal, but perhaps I was waiting for this event and maybe even thought it was overdue.

                 If you get the picture, I am alone, by myself, in a rather strange apartment. I hadn't lived in this apartment long and it still seemed strange to me when I went to sleep for the night. I am awakened in the middle of the night by some sort of shock and am asked if I want to do some secretarial work. This was some sort of jolt to my reasoning mind. However, that part of me that I didn't understand signaled acceptance and I rolled over and went to sleep.

                 I am an early riser and the next morning when I woke up there was that same presence and voice that came from within my mind telling me that someone was arriving that would be dictating the information.

                 I experienced the same ambivalence that I had gone through during the night.  One half of me was scared to death, but another, deeper part of me was telling me that this experience was all right, so I found some paper and pencil and waited. 

                 I wasn't certain of the intent of this message.  Did it come from a good or evil source? I remembered a statement from the Bible that a house divided against itself would fall.  I took this to mean that good would not be coming from an evil source.  Another statement from the Bible came to mind about making judgments according to the kind of fruit that was produced. I decided to observe some result of this process before I would make a decision to continue or end my cooperation. I sensed a feeling of importance about this event.

                 I decided that I would do this for 15 minutes each morning, until or unless, some information came forth that was of a negative nature.  I decided that as long as the information was of a positive nature, it shouldn't be from an evil source.

                I always considered myself a rather conservative individual, but it appeared to me at this moment that I was more adventurous than I thought. I couldn't see whomever this was talking to me, and I was writing down what they had to say. It was like someone on the other side of a fence, who got my attention through some bizarre manner and I was listening to them.

                 The voice started dictating and that was what it sounded like.  They, whoever they were, would give me a sentence and I would write it down.  I was concentrating on the words so that I didn't get a sense of what the message was at that point.  It was very difficult putting this to paper. It was like someone reading to you.  They could speak faster than what I could write in longhand.  I couldn't write in shorthand and I felt like I was missing some of the words.  Since I was concentrating on words only, I had a tendency to anticipate a word and then had to re-focus on what they said if the anticipated word was incorrect, so the flow of the message was very disjointed. This probably lasted for about 10 minutes. 

                 I had a typewriter and I wanted to type the message because my handwriting was difficult to read since I had written it so quickly.  The transcribing took a long time to type because I had trouble reading what I had written.  Also my spelling left something to be desired.  I had to look up the spelling of many words in the dictionary.  After typing this information, I probably had a double spaced page and a half of typed sentences even though it took about 3 or 4 hours to finish the work.  The process was not very efficient.

                 The subject matter was about the Creation of the Universe.  There was nothing in this message that I could consider of a negative nature so I decided that I would continue this for another day.

                 The next day when I awoke I heard the same voice telling me that someone would be coming to give me a message.  The words came from a pinpoint spot over my left eye deep within my brain and this was the same spot that was utilized each time.

                 The second message told of a journey.  It said that when we were created, we were sent from the Creative Forces and were directed to travel the Universes gaining knowledge.  Our final destination was to reconnect with the creative forces with all our acquired knowledge as a part of us. The passages describing  this reunion were hauntingly beautiful.

                 The planet earth, and the other planets in this solar system, were the very beginning of our journey. It seemed that we were spending too much time on this planet because of our belief system of reincarnating repeatedly here, and the pull of loved ones was also holding us in these environs.  We were to gain experience from all the planets and to pass through Arcturus near Asia Minor to the next universe. They/it was telling me that we were citizens of the cosmos.

                 I thought I would go to the library and see if there was a constellation called Asia Minor.  Much to my surprise and delight there was a constellation near Arcturus that was being referenced, however, the Constellation was called Ursa Minor, and not Asia Minor. Since I knew very little about stars and Constellations, I had simply taken down the phonetic pronunciation, or what I thought I heard. The spelling was incorrect, but I was excited. I found some truth in the placement of stars.

                 It was only when I looked in the Encyclopedia, that I noted that Ursa Minor was also called the Little Dipper. It appeared to me that this writing came from outside of myself, since, if it were my own mind telling me these words, I would have used a phrase I was familiar with namely, The Little Dipper, and not Ursa Minor. Arcturus was a star that I had seen mentioned in a book written by Ruth Montgomery, whereby Miss Montgomery's guides discussed this star.  When I thought about this star and tried to search my memory of any other reference that I had read regarding Arcturus, I seemed to vaguely remember that Edgar Casey, The Seer of Virginia Beach, mentioned Arcturus as being the doorway into the next Universe.  I decided that I would have to research this further.

                 However, I wasn't sure of the concept that was being presented.  I had never heard about a journey like that before. The religious faith that I was brought up in didn't teach reincarnation, much less discuss a journey of a soul through the Universes.

                 During the first week of this activity, I found the process of taking down the information burdensome.  My curiosity increased concerning what I was receiving, and since I could find nothing which I found threatening to my own physical safety, I decided to continue the activity.  I thought perhaps it would be faster to speak into a hand held tape recorder instead of trying to write out the messages on paper.

                 During this time, there was a terrible pull between what I considered normal activity and what seemed to me to be abnormal activity.  What was happening to me?  I had read books about how some part of the mind could go to great lengths of deception so that the individual would look upon their behavior as normal.  I wasn't sure if I were living through some fantasy since I was going through a great deal of stress involved in my divorce.  It seemed like a war was being waged inside of me between my reasoning mind and what I was experiencing.

                 One night I was sleeping fitfully when I felt that familiar shock on my foot again.  But this time, I definitely heard my son Shawn call me and he asked me to come into the living room.  I couldn't see him, but I heard him and "felt" his personality.  I sensed that he was with a group of individuals and he was happy.  Though the lights were turned off in my room, I could sense a great deal of light.  It was a warm feeling.  We were gathered in front of the giant sliding doors in my living room, my son, his friends and I.  He invited me to kneel down with the group and look upon the brightness of the stars.  He said there were many books to write, and lets offer prayers of thanksgiving, and they were gone after a prayer.  As I knelt there, I was in a state of wonder about what had just happened.  I looked through the glass doors into the darkness of the night, and I could see the bright stars looking like a giant blanket enveloping the earth.

                 In a few days, I bought a tape recorder and that night I was again wakened with the same energy shock to my foot and told to get the recorder.  I got the recorder and got back in bed.  I was rather sleepy since I was not accustomed to working at two in the morning. I was in a state between being asleep and being awake and the information came quickly as I spoke into the recorder. I filled up half a tape, which turned out to be a great amount of typed words.

                While fully awake, my conscious mind was something of a stumbling block to what was coming to me, but half asleep there was a flow of words as if someone were reading aloud at a rather quick pace, and I found that I could duplicate the information into the recorder just as quickly.

                 I learned later that that place between wakefulness and sleep is a very relaxed state called the Alpha State.  In this Alpha State, it seemed that my conscious reasoning mind was somewhat slowed, which allowed an unbelievable great flow of words from my source and another part of me that was perhaps my unconscious mind. Along with the words, I started mentally seeing visions that was associated with the content of the words. 

                For instance, it was mentioned that the souls originally came to earth from the Creative Forces and they came on trails of glory. While this was being said, I could see shiny white beings drifting in a downward arc towards earth, with what appeared to be a vaporous trail of sparkling little white lights.  It looked to me like what I had seen in many Disney movies, when the fairy godmother moved her wand and magic happened.  In the Disney movies, Mr. Disney drew something that looked like sparkling star dust before the pop of that magical gift that was manifested by the fairy godmother.  That is what the "trails of glory" looked like to me.

                 The words began to pile up.  The language structure of what I was receiving was completely different from what I was accustomed to hearing or reading. The structure was very complicated and seemingly poetic.  Some of the thoughts and words were so beautiful that they caused me to cry. 

                 Some of the content of what was said were ideas very familiar to me, such as loving God and loving others and helping them as our responsibility. Some statements I had never read about. Some information I had read before, but seemed to be very controversial, such as a shift in the position of the earth.

                 They said that the group of souls that ultimately became mankind was given the responsibility of traveling the Universes and gathering experience from what they saw and learned so that they/we could begin to manipulate energy and ultimate create in a very real physical sense.  This act of creating had a purpose so we could understand the Creative Forces of our Father better.

                 They said that we were a part of God.  They described particles of the creative forces being cast from this source.  When they said this, what I saw looked to me like sparks being cast forth as a knife is sharpened on a whetstone, and the light was like a thousand 4th of July celebrations.  It was as if we werecells from the body of God.

                 Other days they said that the spiritual side of "us" was Spirit Essences.  These Spirit Essences came to the earth originally in spirit form only, no bodies.  We were following our directive of being the experience gathers of the Cosmos. As "experience gathers" we thought the earth was beautiful and we became enamored of the beginning animal forms that we saw developing on the earth. We were curious and studied the animals since we didn't have bodily forms ourselves. Apparently we staying in the animal's energy fields too long "we" became entrapped along with their forms.  

                There was a very interesting dissertation on speeds of energy force fields. Life was a concept of spirit moving through the different levels or concentration of matter at different vibratory rates. Apparently, there needs to be a great deal of knowledge concerning the stepping up or down of energy for spirit to move through the many layers of matter. Part of Mastership is that knowledge of understanding and controlling these speeds. Those Spirit Essences who were to eventually become human beings had not yet mastered these changes in vibrational speeds.

                 There was a group here before us who would not take bodily form. This group, who call themselves the Earth Guardians, are responsible for implementing the blueprint pattern into the physical as it comes from God into this solar system.  All the Cosmos and everything that is in it was first imagined in the creative eye of God,  This thought power formed the pattern, or blueprint.  However, God's beingness was so large in its construction that it was not able to press its way into the small rivulets of creation, so e/it/they have sent us to gather this experience.


                That was quite profound!  Elsie Sechrist wrote a book based on the Edgar Cacye writings that was very similar to that theme and Ruth Montgomery in the Worlds Before received a similar theme from her guides.

                 Indeed, we were painting with a very broad brush!  But I felt that if I were to write a book about such subjects, I needed to know who authorized such material.  Was it accurate?  This was a source "talking" to me that I couldn't see. And I kept reminding myself that I wasn't all that sure that I wasn't losing my grip on reality. These were very troubled times for me.

                 I had a friend who was a head nurse in a Psychiatric Hospital, and held a Doctorate in nursing.  I confided in her.  I told her what was happening to me and wondered if perhaps she had heard of such a thing, and did I need to see a Doctor of some sort?  She said Carolyn, you are the most level headed person I know.  Relax, you are just having a religious experience, work with it.

                Even though the material seemed positive, I felt the weight of a very great responsibility.  I would like to think of myself as a rather truthful individual.  If I were to write a book about what I was receiving, it had to be the truth and I had to know who was giving me this material and under whose authority.  Even though I was spending a lot of energy questioning the material, there was no answers coming forth as to the origin of this writing and how I could judge its truthfulness.

                 I had an exceptionally vivid dream one night.  I woke up in a cold sweat.  I had been agonized over my dilemma when I went to bed that night and I fell into a fitful sleep tossing and turning. I suddenly woke up and sat up exceptionally alert with a scene and message impressed on my mind with great emotion.  In my mind I was standing with my arm placed across my chest, like a Roman Centurion in the Biblical movies made famous by Cecil B. DeMill. It was like I was accepting a commission, or order. I was saluting at my acceptance of the order. The word "Signatory" was being impressed upon my mind.  I was a "Signatory" of some sort. I knew there were other signatories, and this was a special project.  But I wondered, "Whose project?"

                 The next morning I looked up the word signatory and it read : n, pl -ries, a signer with another or others; esp: a government bound with others by a signed convention. - signatory adj. Looking for the abbreviation esp: it meant as I thought it meant, especially.

                 So the word "signatory" meant a signer with another or others bounding a government by a signed convention. As Alice said in James Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, "Things are becoming "curiouser" and "curiouser"."

                 What was signed? Who was this "another or others", and especially what government was bound?  Because of the vividness of the dream and the great emotional imprint on my mind and feelings, I took this dream as a message from my higher mind. I believed that my higher mind would not be deceiving me.

                 I felt that somewhere, at some time, I had made a decision to do this work of transcribing messages, and I thought that perhaps this was being done with the help of someone else or perhaps more than one individual, and with permission of some source of authority.

                 These answers only brought more questions.  Who were the others, and what kind of regulatory body were we talking about?  Even though I had questions, I put them aside and set into a work routine. I found that I started to fall asleep while taking the messages in bed so I decided that I would do this the first thing upon arising in the morning while sitting in a chair.  As soon as I decided this, the nightly taps on the foot stopped and I slept through until morning.

                 As I got up the first thing I would grab was the recorder and started putting the information into it.  I wasn't quite awake yet when I started this and my mind was quieted enough that the information came as it had during the middle of the night. I was speaking as if half asleep.  I could tell my consciousness was altered somewhat.  I wasn't quite awake. I wasn't exactly in a trance. It appeared to me that I was somewhere in between the two states.

                 My unseen author or authors talked about earth changes.  They indicated that sometimes these changes were used to point civilization in a new direction.  It seems that we as humans have always been prompted by a group of Spirit Essences whose responsibility it was to take care of Earth's evolution.  They assured me that they have always been with us, encouraging us, prompting us toward our own innate goodness. But we have developed a pattern of unintentionally closing ourselves off to these positive promptings through our own negativity.

                 This source spoke of how the earth has changed its axis any times before our recorded history.  An axis change would completely restructure the face of the earth. The Earth Guardians, who helped in carrying out such plans, did not wish to clear away an advanced civilization as their choice of helping humankind to advance in a more positive direction.  They are aware that as a civilization, if we are developed enough not to worry about food sources and other means of survival, we are then able to focus on the spiritual side of our humanity.

                 In their assessment of earth conditions and our abuses upon each other and upon the earth itself, we as human beings have choices as to how we will develop.  This restructuring of the earth is used only when those who are in charge of the earth and her environs feel that there is no other alternative other than setting the course of the earth and its inhabitants in a new direction.

                 I was starting to learn that when these messages came, if they talked about something that happened in the past, there would be great emotions, either positive or negative, with the vision and the words.  I was learning that if the message was discussing an idea that could happen in the future, a possibility,  I would see the vision, but not feel the emotional charge.  Since this discussion of earth changes was of a possibility in the future, there was no emotional impact along with the visions and words. However, I saw the visions of destruction along with the words.

                 Here was another dilemma that I thought about.  How could I write about events that might happen in the future if I had no way of proving them?  True, there has been many sources pointing to a period of troubled times in humankind's development along with great assurances that life would continue as it had in the past.  Prophesy has always been with humankind.  Prophesy many times benefits humanity if the positive part of the message is accepted and utilized.  Also, we can prepare if we are forewarned. Some events can be changed if our actions change.

                 However, I decided not to think about this part of the information. Words and the scenes of destruction that I saw frightened me. However, upon reading the messages, destruction was not the focus of what was said.  The authors talked of humanity as an entire race as being prompted toward enlightenment.  They actually spoke of a gargantuan leap in our development and the paths pointing us towards that inheritance.  They indicated that at one time we were more advanced than we are presently, but had lost our enlightenment, some of our memories.

                 Humanity as well as they, the Earth Guardians, worked under an edict to advance and also to help one another advance, grow, experience and return to our source with full knowledge of our relationship with the Creative Forces.  This edict was given to us when all the souls were created. However, we were also under the option of personal free will. We would not be forced to cooperate with the spiritual forces. 

                 It seems that there is a plan for advancement.  Ultimately we will be divided according to  our life wave and where we are on the ladder of advancement.  We advance with others who think like us and develop along similar lines, because our vibrations change as we develop.  It seems all life is based on vibrational energy. It is our vibrational rates that divide us just as the living are divided from the dead.  We both exist, but may not be aware of each other even as both are able to exist very closely to one another.

                 There are some souls who choose not to advance and are laggards, falling behind through each wave of advancing souls.  Though the cosmos is infinitely patient, there will be a time when the last wave will come to their process of advancing, and these souls must advance.

                 We are quickly approaching a time when the advanced in this life wave will be given the opportunity to reach a higher level of development and enlightenment.  The messages speak of this as a metamorphosis. We may be passing through troubled times to reach a higher path, but we have spiritual assistance, and we are being given the tools to help us work through the changes. Those who wish to cooperate with spiritual forces will move on towards a very advanced state. These paths would allow changes in our mind and bodies that would build bridges between the body and the soul. It has always been intended that these two components, the physical and the spiritual, cooperate more directly with another, and work more as a unit.

                 My source spoke of how inspiration comes from our higher mind and our guides and makes its way to the intuitive side of the brain.  This information must arch or make a jump to the reasoning side of our brain where sometimes we miss the inspiration altogether, or else dismiss it as something illogical.  Sometimes we act upon this information and classify it as a hunch.

                 I found myself using the Public Library more.  As a single person, I was reading and watching educational videos more. However, sometimes I went to the library to research some point that had been given in the information.

                 There were many subject being covered, some of the topics discussed was how emotions, negative and positive, affected the Endocrine System and ultimately the human body.  Of interest to me was how we could tap into accumulated knowledge. Father Teilhard de Chardin was mentioned, and I read some of his books.  It was interesting because de Chardin talked about a theory of his which he called the Noosphere. This was a place whereby all knowledge accumulated. I could see the similarity between what had been given in my messages and de Chardin's theory, except it was hard for me to read de Chardin's books.  My information about knowledge and how it develops and accumulates and how we can tap into it was more concise and understandable to me.

                 Charlemagne and  King John were also discussed in points illustrating how law and order were ultimately developed in civilizations.

                 I was looking through the videos for some evening entertainment and I saw a video, which was put out by National Geographic Magazine that provided an answer to my question of earth axis reversal.  Two Geologists, Alan Cox from Stanford University and Brent Dalrumple from National Geological Survey were doing some research that indicated reversals in the earth's magnetic north and south.

                 The Geologists indicated that when lava cools it acts like a compass, its particles freezing in the direction of Magnetic North.  They took some core drillings of lava from the Owens Valley, in California, and found that some of their samples pointed towards the magnetic north and sometimes the samples pointed towards the location of our present south pole. The question that came to their minds was can our Northern magnetic field change directions?

                 After taking samples of lava rocks from all over the would, these two geologists found that this was a world phenomenon.  All the rocks from the same age record showed the same direction of orientation. Sometimes the lava samples pointed towards our North Pole and sometimes the South Pole.

                 Using their samples and identifying which age record they came from, these two Geologists were able to identify that over the last 4 million years of earth history, the north and south pole had reversed locations, or as they called it, flipped,  nine times.

                 I was excited to find earth records gathered under the scientific process supporting what I was receiving from my messages. Even more exciting, was the indication that in addition to earth records supporting these earth changes, there was also scientists confirming the same changes in North/South orientation from lava found under the ocean.

                 In the Geophysical year of 1957-1958 efforts of scientists from several nations mapped the ocean floor and found that a mountain range existed on our ocean floor.  Over the next decade, scientists used magnetometers to map the ocean floor, finding designs in the  magnetic patterns that couldn't be explained. 

                 It wasn't until 1968, Frederick Vine and Drummond Matthews from Cambridge University found the key to the magnetic patterns. Professor Vine had made a detailed magnetic pattern of the Indian Ocean and using this pattern along with the information from Cox and Dalrumple found that lava coming from the ocean floor built up new land causing sea floor spreading.  The change in the North/South orientation, or flips, caused the new lava coming from the deep fissures in the middle of the sea floor to register a unique Magnetic pattern.

                 When lava comes through the fissure in the ocean floor it solidifies in its north/south orientation.  When the Earth's North and South Pole changes locations, new lava has a new magnetic pattern as it points in an opposite direction from the previous lava that solidified. 

                When Vine and Matthews compared their patterns from the ocean with the data from Cox and Dalrumple, the time frame of earth flips matched exactly.

                 I was questioning the accuracy of the pole reversal message, and here I was looking at a video that was giving me some scientific basis for the assertion.  Further, these messages also said that pole reversal was a tool that could be used by the Earth Guardians to make changes in the earth and these changes were triggered by Plate Tectonics, which process was started by changes in the molten core of the earth.

                Edgar Cacye, the Prophet of Virginia Beach, spoke of these same earth changes giving incidents of changes in the past and predicted one in our future.  He said there was some change in the center of the earth which started the process.

                 Somehow, it didn't surprise me when I found a video describing Plate Tectonics.  It seems that Scientists made computer models of flows in the center of the earth, and they felt that these flows had an effect on the movement of the plates, which covered the earth.  I felt while watching this video that the earth seemed to have an intelligence and order far greater than what we humans had ever imagined.

                 It was also appearing to me that I was finding some correlation between the messages that I was being given and information from the Scientific world.  Was this correlation between the messages and the world of science simply random coincidence, or was I being fed from a bigger spoon?

Under Grace 1991


Read more excerpts from Under Grace

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

Chapter 7


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